You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘humor’ category.
Count for the week:
- Opossum – 2
- Squirrel – 2
- Birds – 2
- (No, I’m not making this up, I really saw two of each.)
- Unidentified – 1
I found this little gem on the internet, for how to deal with Friday the 13th:
“Plan a Friday the 13th party. This can be a good excuse to throw a fun party and bring out all those superstitions for a fun purpose.”
This suggestion was made after the Wickihow.com article explained that only 10% of Americans believe that the day is actually unlucky, and it only occurs between 1 and 3 times a year anyway, and so have a party on that day.
Yeah, what could possibly go wrong with a party thrown on Friday the 13th? Hmmm . . . .
They do go on to say that it might be a good idea to be a little more cautious on this day. Why, if only 10% of us believe it is unlucky? I sense a little conflict here.
Answers.com has an interesting take on how the Friday the 13th superstition came about.
“It is also interesting to note in this story, the possible origin of the belief that a witch’s familiar is a cat.” (Hey – I have 2 cats – I hope that doesn’t make me a witch. Some might say my attitude contributes towards that conclusion, but hey, anyone can have an off day. Or two, or three.)”One of the most commonly known and observed superstitions concerning the number thirteen, has to do with dining. It is said to be incredibly unlucky to be invited to dinner and have thirteen people at table.” (So, when you throw that Friday the 13th party, don’t invite 13 people.)
“In France, Friday the 13th often fell on the day after the Feast of Saint Imbibecus. Thus the day was often associated with terrible hangovers and poor choices made the night before.”
“The Aztecs brutally killed 39,000 in one day on Friday the 13th of August, 1539. This was done at the request of the recently arrived Hernan Cortez, who claimed to be a god seeking tribute. The next day he overthrew their empire.” (It just goes to show you, massacring people to gain the favor of the gods just doesn’t work out.)
OK, I can’t resist; here is one more link, to Blame Someone Else Day. I like the concept, but like the instructions say, it can come back on you, so be careful.
Awesome kitty video:
OK, so I’ve been sick; one day off work and then last weekend on the couch. My poor 88 year old mom had to “stay in” all weekend, as I could not get in my car and drive over to pick her up at the retirement home, for her day out.
Besides, she probably would have gotten my cold, which would have been a bad thing, although, I swear, she doesn’t get sick as often as I do. Not that I get sick all that often any more, just that she gets sick LESS often,w hich is kinda annoying, when your 88 year old mom is healthier than you.
So, anywhoo . . . . back to the topic. Here is a link to what sounds like either a lame movie, or an artsy type, called . . . ta – da! “Roadkill”. It’s a road movie about a woman who takes a job that requires her to travel all across Canada looking for this group, and she doesn’t know how to drive, so she takes buses, trains, taxis, and hitchhikes. The summary says she learns how to drive by the end of the movie. Possibly this leads to some roadkill. Oh, and there seem to be several movies with this title. There is another that is a “supernatural thriller about a group of teenagers menaced by a driverless train in the Australian outback.” Get your head around that. Can’t they just walk away from the tracks?
You can get Roadkill T-shirts here. The company describes them as “funny, offensive, humerous and graphic.
Oh, sorry, the count for this week (the past two weeks, but I didn’t drive much when I was sick):
- Chicken – 2
- Rabbit – 1
- Bird – 1
- Opossum – 1
- Unidentified – 3
I ran across an ineresting, and strange, theory about roadkill on a blog “Triangulations“. This person felt that roadkill such as squirrels, mice, etc, must be the same karmically (cosmosically?) as human roadkill. I don’t really know what he/she means. As far as the universe is concerned, I’m sure they are the same – accidents, and we still don’t know what happens after death, even though there are those who are sure that THEY know. Has anyone come back and told us? No. So, there you are.
The previous comments aside, one can certainly reduce the amount of roadkill by paying attention when anywhere near a road. So please do so.
The following quotes are from urbanlegends.about.com, as I am too lazy to re-arrange the info and write it all. It just occurs to me that when a superstitiously bad day occurs on the wrong day, it must be worse. I disavow all knowledge of the 6th day of the week superstition, I’ve never heard of that. I like Saturdays, except that for the last 7 years I’ve had to give up nearly every Saturday of my life to care for my elderly mom, whilst my brothers go off and do whatever they damn well please.
Oh . . . maybe there is something to that 6th day thing.
“Friday the 13th, ‘the most widespread superstition’
“The sixth day of the week and the number 13 both have foreboding reputations said to date from ancient times. It seems their inevitable conjunction from one to three times a year (there will be three such occurrences in 2012, exactly 13 weeks apart) portends more misfortune than some credulous minds can bear. According to some sources it’s the most widespread superstitionin the United States today. Some people refuse to go to work on Friday the 13th; some won’t eat in restaurants; many wouldn’t think of setting a wedding on the date.”
“How many Americans at the beginning of the 21st century suffer from this condition? According to Dr. Donald Dossey, a psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of phobias (and coiner of the term paraskevidekatriaphobia, also spelled paraskavedekatriaphobia), the figure may be as high as 21 million. If he’s right, no fewer than eight percent of Americans remain in the grips of a very old superstition.”
“Exactly how old is difficult to say, because determining the origins of superstitions is an inexact science, at best. In fact, it’s mostly guesswork.”
The following paragraph gives an explanation that makes more sense to me. As “civilization” became more and more patriarchal, women became more and more vilified; something I have never understood, and the only explanation that I can think of is that men are terrified of the feelings they have (love) and thus the power that could, I suppose, give to the object of that affection and the fear of losing her. Since women are typically smaller than men, and are the ones who carry the babies, we have been at a disadvantage, physically, and that is the whole point in male domination, right?
“Still other sources speculate that the number 13 may have been purposely vilified by the founders of patriarchal religions in the early days of western civilization because it represented femininity. Thirteen had been revered in prehistoric goddess-worshiping cultures, we are told, because it corresponded to the number of lunar (menstrual) cycles in a year (13 x 28 = 364 days). The “Earth Mother of Laussel,” for example — a 27,000-year-old carving found near the Lascaux caves in France often cited as an icon of matriarchal spirituality — depicts a female figure holding a crescent-shaped horn bearing 13 notches. As the solar calendar triumphed over the lunar with the rise of male-dominated civilization, it is surmised, so did the “perfect” number 12 over the “imperfect” number 13, thereafter considered anathema.”
So, my theory is that when an unlucky date occurs on the wrong day of the week just makes the unlucky day worse, is based on my vast experience with bad luck.
The basic concept is, that all the bad luck is building from the last time Friday the 13th came on a Friday. So, it is accumulating along, and bam! The 13 comes early! All that bad luck is compressed and explodes all over the place.
That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Until someone comes up with a better one anyway.
OK, I have two cats. They look very much alike, except that one, Cleo, has white paws and chest and Squeak does not. They are not related, not that it matters, they are sisters now, since they live in the same house and are stuck with each other. It’s like that song that goes “We are family, I have all my sisters with me . . . “
Yes, I’ve been watching Birdcage, again. One of the funniest movies ever made. Brian Lane is hilarious and the guy who plays their “maid”, Agadore is great – Hank Azaria.
So, anyway, back to my cats. Squeak’s favorite thing is playing in their water dish. She splashes it all onto the floor and watches it gurgle more water into the dish. It’s one of those water dishes that has a “tank” sitting on top of the water dish, and as the cats drink the water, more dribbles down into the bowl. At least that is the way it is supposed to work.
Squeak has discovered that she enjoys playing in the water. I have to refill the water tank twice a week, and my floor is covered with water. I have started keeping towels under the water dish, but sometimes I come home and there is so much water on the floor that the towel is soaked and there are puddles all around the towel. Sometimes when I pick her up, she is so wet from playing in the water that her paws are soaked and partway up her legs the fur is all wet.
Sometimes I suspect she is a gangster cat and there are tattoos under her fur – like the thugs who shave their heads and tattoo them, and then maybe let the hair/ fur grow back?
She is definitely the troublemaker in our house. Cleo is mostly well-behaved, but not so much, Squeak. Every time I am anywhere near, but not in, the kitchen I can hear a “thunk” as she jumps off the kitchen counter where she has been scrounging, looking for food I assume. I never leave food on the counter anymore, since Squeak came to live with me; not even a spoon. I caught her licking out a spoon one day. Yuck! Cat cooties!
I thought of putting a little water in the tub to see if she would play in that water instead the drinking bowl, but my tub doesn’t hold water for more than an hour or so, it gradually drains out. So, that doesn’t work very well.
So, the tally this past week:
- Opossum – 3
- Squirrel – 1
- Birds – 1
One opossum was really obliterated, hard to tell what it was, but they are pretty distinctive, and get hit a lot.
Ok, I tried to use the “clip” option on editing this cartoon, but it didn’t work. Actually, I clipped it in another program and save that. Then when I inserted it into this webpage, it showed everything I’d removed by clipping. Just like a computer program, it never does what it says it will. Is it by any chance male? Oh yeah, it was probably created by a male; that explains a lot.
Monday morning. A robin notices the half-baked snake. A car approaches. Its drowsy, distracted driver sips from a 7-11 commuter’s coffee cup. The robin stretches its neck to peck. SNAP!
Midday. Two ravenous ravens spot the flightless robin. One swoops down just as a Mack truck rounds the bend. SMASH!
Midnight. A coon drags the roadside robin and raven into the brush, where it dines in safety. Thus ends a morbid cycle begun by a motorcycle.
The Numbing Numbers
Everyday in the U.S., 190 million motor vehicles hit the road, and one million animals get hit by motor vehicles. That’s counting cars, buses, motorbikes, and trucks, but not ATVs, snowmobiles and other off-road vehicles. The figure includes mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians, but not insects and bugs, who somehow never count.”
Don’t forget, roadkill includes humans.
Yesss . . . . and this weeks count is:
- Squirrel – 2
- Birds – 2
- Unidentified – 3
- Rabbit – 1
I’m pleased to say I don’t see dead deer. Last week I did stop for 4 deer trying to cross a road, and I’m happy to say they all made it safely to the other side. They did seem to be aware of the cars and were looking and seemed to be waiting for the them to stop.
Maybe my theory that the smart ones survive and live to reproduce smarter deer is correct. Forget Planet of the Apes. One of these days, a deer will walk up to me and knock me aside and take over my house. I think the first thing a deer-run society would do is get rid of cars, which is what we should be doing, but aren’t.
Then, they would need to make slaves of humans, since deer don’t have hands, so we could build stuff for them, or maybe tear things down. I would think that from a deer perspective, there are way too many houses, buildings and roads.
Here’s an article from the UK by a person who dines on roadkill. Hopefully he only takes the fresh stuff. I wonder how he can tell how long the things have been deceased? Here is what Jonathon had to say about that:
‘It’s not something everyone can do. I have grown up around nature and know just by looking how an animal has died and how long it has been there.
‘I am careful, obviously, not to eat anything that I don’t think is fresh and if I don’t know how an animal has died I will perform an autopsy on it first.” Alrighty then.
Here is his description of how each animal tastes:
Foxes – ‘There’s a common myth that you cannot eat them but they are most delicious. It is a lean meat and there is never any fat. Young foxes are always very nice and they taste slightly like chicken.’
Mice – ‘They taste weird – there is no other food quite like them. They aren’t particularly nice and have a very bitter flavour. They are of course so small that they are almost worthless.’
Rats – ‘They are most delicious and it is a misconception that they are dirty. They are quite like pork but quite salty. They are delicious and the meat is great on its own. I would not eat city rats but in Dorset they are very good.’
Pigeons – ‘I don’t eat town pigeons but wood pigeons are very nice. They are very large and very irony. It’s best marinated and I love to have it with red wine.’
Moles – ‘They are horrible and have a rancid taste. They have an unpleasant taste in their skin to ward off predators. Wild animals don’t eat them. I’ve only had one once and never again.’
Hedgehogs – ‘When you get in it’s all fatty meat. It’s not nice but okay if you like eating fatty foods.’
Squirrels – ‘They are most delicious. They provide a good firm white meat which is quite similar to rabbit but not as overpowering. Not many animals taste like what they eat but squirrels do have a nutty flavour. It’s fantastic stuff.’
Wild cats – ‘You do get a few wild cats in Dorset as you do in Scotland. They have a very nice flavour but they are very rare.”
Well, so there you go. I guess you should skip the mice and moles. Too bad about moles tasting bad – if we could get a market for the pests, maybe we could cut down on their population.
down by the screen when no one else is in there…
Well, I guess you can tell by the title that is not going to be one of those stories of a wonderful love affair that lasted 50 years. Duh.
You know I’m in the majority here. Those who run around all flushed and full of love today are in the minority. Lets review the facts: Number of divorces in America? In 2005 2.23 million couples married and the divorce rate was 3.6 per 1,000. That is like comparing apples and oranges. Why give us the actual number of marriages and then try to compare that to the rate of divorce per thousand population. I’ll do the math for you: 3.6x(308745538/1000) = 1,111,483 or 1.1 million.
OK, whatever. Every time I see some couple getting married and they are soooo happy, I wonder how they will feel about each other in a few years. I’m sorry, I just look down the road a bit. Been there, done that.
Unrealistic expectations are what I blame. There are lots of stories out there – I know, I looked them up, about what is wrong with Valentines Day, but I won’t bore you with them. There are many problems with the holiday – like most special days in America it has become more about spending money on someone you care about, to prove that you really, really do care. I know, it is much more complicated, but I’m not going into that. You have your own reasons, or you wouldn’t be reading this, I suppose.
I’m single and that’s why I dislike this day so much. All those supposedly happy and in love types out there, with stars in their eyes, crowing about how great their relationship is. Puhlease! Keep it down, will you?
I guess this “joke” only applies when you’re speaking to someone you really don’t like. oh well.
Happy Valentine’s Day! If you’re single, randomly run up and hug somebody, then run off. I’m sure they’ll like it. If not, you’ll learn what mace feels like.
Wouldn’t it be great if we just got rid of cars and most roads? Sigh . . . if only. And yes, I know what that would mean for our food transportation, etc.
Road kill count in this week:
Birds – 3
Squirrels – 2
Unidentified – 2
Feeling like roadkill on the road of life yet? If you don’t you’re not paying attention, or as someone else said, “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.” Whatever.
Lilly Tomlin is the one who has all her ducks in a row:
“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then–we elected them.”
“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
Lily Tomlin knows.
“Mongo just pawn in the game of life.” – Mongo in Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles.
What was that commercial that was on the radio for a long time? “We don’t know anything – is that really 2% milk in that coffee you ordered? You don’t know.
Do you know for sure that you live in 3 dimensions? Really?
“Sure, our surroundings certainly appear to exist in three dimensions, but any good Cartesian will tell you that the appearance of a material object alone is insufficient evidence of its true nature. So how do we go about proving that we aren’t, in fact, deluded inhabitants of Abott’s two-dimensional Flatland, or even the one-dimensional Lineland?” Ha, ha, ha! If you want to know, go to: http://io9.com/5837414/how-do-we-know-for-sure-that-we-live-in-three-dimensions.
Oh, it’s been pretty dark every day on the way to and from work, so I can’t see anything dead on the road, unless it would be the size of a deer, and no, I haven’t seen a dead deer lately. So, no roadkill count.
I was in San Diego for 7 days, but I don’t recall seeing any roadkill there, either. The only time I was out of the city was on the drive to Los Angeles, to visit Disneyland, and I didn’t see any dead stuff on the road. I suspect that the sheer terror of being in a car on the road in San Diego was distracting me from looking at the pavement for roadkill. I kept finding myself slamming my foot on the floor to stop before we hit the car in front of us, or continually tightening my seat belt as we swerved in and out of continually merging traffic.
I left Seattle partly because of the insanity of the roads there, and the fact that the city kept paying millions of dollars for multiple sports arenas, but could not build a decent light rail system. Their answer to traffic problems seems to be to add toll roads, good thinking Seattle, that’ll keep more people off the road. Right.
Southern California is all desert and I wonder what the population density of animals might be. I suspect there are fewer animals per square mile, as there is less water and vegetation to munch, hence, fewer dead on the road.
Alfred Hitchcok quotes:
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.
Give them pleasure – the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.
I’ll conclude with my favorite comedian, Lily Tomlin:
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
The Hamster report
I’m not sure whether to blame my kids for moving so far away, or the Post Office for being inefficient, or the clowns masquerading as Senators who made the Post Office fund their pension fund for 75 years out into the future. If you don’t know about that, look it up, there were plenty of articles on it recently.
So a week ago, I spent half an hour in line at the P.O. to mail packages to my granddaughter and my son in California. Then last night, I spent another 1/2 hour doing the same for my son in Japan. Unfortunately, I was almost through the line before I realized I hadn’t filled out the forms required to mail stuff overseas. So I squatted down and used one of my boxes for a table and started filling a form out.
It is inconvenient, to say the least, to keep squatting down and writing, then having to keep getting up as the line moves. If I had a small box I could stand up and use it for a table, holding it, but the boxes were just a little bit too big to do that. So, I was squatting, getting up, squatting, getting up, it was tedious and in spite of my athletic activities, it was hard to do by about the 10th squat.
I can’t wait till I’m 70, that’ll be tons of fun.
When I was done I decided to go get some booze, the liquore store is just across the street.